1) Rejection letters from agents.
if the note is just a simple "No thank you," we see
Please stop sending me your hackneyed
prose. Your stories suck. I hope you have another job, because
writing just ain't it. If I sold writing like yours, I'd be the
laughing stock of my profession. Please, for my sake and yours, stop
querying me. "
Rejection letters from publishers.
our imagination tends to see things in a darker light...
Just because we publish several of your online writing
buddies, and just because your favorite author in the whole world is
in our stable of authors, that doesn't mean you are welcome. As a
matter of fact, if it were Christmas eve and ours was the only
stable in town, and you were pregnant and riding on a donkey - we
still wouldn't take you. Do us and the publishing world a big favor -
take up bird watching."
Typos in submission letters.
Dear Ms. Snork,
I'd like to submit my
story, "Angles on Crusade..."
I'd like to sumbit by
Typos in our finished and FINALLY published books:
34: Instead of the Gulf of Mexico, it reads the Golf of Mexico...
Readers picking up on our little typos.
ex-favorite author. I read your latest story. Where the f%*@! is the
Golf of Mexico? Do you mean the one in Tijuana, the Golf del Sur? Or
did you mean the one in Cancun - the Country club and Golf Verdez? In
any case, it makes no sense. I'm through reading your books. An
Having nobody read our books.
Author - here is your royalty statement for the year 2006 / 2007:
sold 0 copies
Your royalties are 0.00$
The Advance that Just Won't Go Away.
Author. Your advance was 1000$. You sold 0.00$ this year. You still
owe us 1000$ on your advance against royalties. It will be a cold day
in Hell before we sign another contract with you.
A Negative Review
can dig up a real one for this, but I'm having too much fun...)
Tell Tale Tart by Samantha Winston - ZERO STARS
Where to begin?
Well, it was hard enough to begin when I started reading, and I
barely got to the end - I only threw the book against the wall 86
times, and it's a novella, folks. The Tell Tale Tart starts off with
a whimper and ends with a whine. The heroine, Janice, makes having
PMS and the stomach flu, along with a raging fever seem fun, and the
hero, Mike, really should be locked up somewhere in a maximum
security prison for eternity. The good news is, it's practically a
short story. The bad news is it cost me 4.95$ as a used book on
Amazon. This was the worst piece of trash I've ever read. Don't even
bother taking it out of the library."
the usually really Nice reviewer for Rarin' to Read Reviews"
Trying to find a quote to use from a negative review.
Tell Tale Tart...The heroine Janice...fun...the hero Mike...eternity.
out that witty expression your hero spouts throughout your book came
from somewhere else. Your subconscious has betrayed you! "The
force be with you," said Mike.
Janice giggled and batted her
eyelashes. "You're such a character, Mike."
out someone has plagiarized
your book, taken your characters and given them slightly different
names but kept the plot!
the force," said Mark.
Jane laughed hysterically and waved
her eyelashes in the air. "You're my hero, Mark!"
out the 'OTHER' book gets a five star review and lands on the NYT
best seller list.
can't say enough good things about Ms. Desforges new book. Her fresh
new writing makes the wonderful characters come to life. I want to
spend my entire life reading more books about Mark and Jane.
force is with them! Highly
the really Nice reviewer for Rarin' to Read Reviews"
then you have to write another book just as good.